May 2022

May 2022

     Three nights in a row of really bad nightmares about my ex husband, Dan taking my oldest son from me. On and on about courts, being tricked etc. The nightmare plot on repeat is Dan following me, jumping out at me and terrifying me. Dan's mom has Rider while he's telling me the only way to see Rider again is if we stay married.  I'm telling him he's a pedophile and I saw the pictures. Then I look for the pictures but can't find them and nobody believes me. Then I get a dishonorable discharge from the military for lying about it all.

    My husband had to wake me up every few minutes the past few nights. I got up and ate but the nightmares continued when I went back to sleep. I should try staying up even if it's 4am. Maybe I should go to the gym even if it's 3 or 4am. I could go do some cardio, come home and go to sleep. That would take some effort but I really should try it. 

     Mother's Day 2022 -  I spent the $20 for an online people search membership so I could find Rider. I found an address on Turney ave in Scottsdale. I thought about going there but it says his father, Dan, lives there too. That would be a real living nightmare. I can't even imagine it but it's not right that I can't be in contact with my son because I reported his father for abusing him. Life really isn't fair. Some situations are just fucked up. 

     I saw a couple big law books on Torts but have no idea how to file a civil complaint. What would the complaint be for? For abusing my son, ruining my life and causing me PTSD. Dan would bring my parents nil. They would all lie and say I made the abuse up. They would have Rider lie too. He would if he's been groomed and brainwashed against me. I wouldn't blame Rider if he went along with them. Pedophiles will make life a living hell if you don't go along with whatever they want. May 14 was my dad's birthday. May 24 was Dan's birthday. It's disgusting that they are free to celebrate, be happy and do whatever they want. 

     Today I think this country really sucks and is worse than a 3rd world country. They kill pedophiles in some countries. Some days I feel like The United States is controlled by them. Somedays I hate it here, I'm done being positive for a while. Today I want to be pissed off but I'm strong so I know tomorrow will be different. Everyday is a chance to start over. 

August 2022

     It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay. My husband's uncle was talking about writing and how therapeutic it is. He's written a lot of amazing stuff in his lifetime. I think that's what helped him get through. He was a sniper in Vietnam. Now I see my problems are nothing compared to being in a situation like that. Writing does help.